Andy Marlette: Florida Men Seek Aid Of DeSantis – Pensacola News Journal

The News Journal obtained an exclusive (and totally fictional) draft of the following letter written to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis by the state’s top advocacy organization for Florida Men, in response to the governor’s recent crackdown on COVID vaccination policies statewide. 

Dear Governor DeSantis, 

We at the Florida Men’s Freedom, Firearms, Profanity, Alcohol, Tobacco, Tattoos, Hygiene and Fertility Preservation Association (FMFFPATTHFPA) are writing to seek your assistance in a serious corporate assault against the God-given liberty of our members.

Our organization was happier than a Swamp Ape with a window unit to see your recent attack on all them fancy-butt companies who want to require free-livin’ Florida Men like us to inject shady government vaccines in our beautiful Florida Men bodies.

Florida Men have a long, proud history of injecting and ingesting a multitude of mysterious substances, but we ain’t about to let government-mandated dosages of Bill Gates’ microchips interfere with the natural, non-GMO buzz we get from Keystone Light, barbiturates, methamphetamine and carburetor cleaning spray.

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So we crack one open and cheers to your numerous threats to issue severe financial penalties and rhetorical butt-whoopins against private companies who try to impose COVID vaccination requirements on their employees. 

Frankly, it’s about time we got us a governor who’s willing to sit up yonder in Tallahassee and use the full power of government to crackdown and control small private businesses all over the rest of the state. Who’s the boss around here? Private business and property owners or a Florida Man like you? 

And in that spirit, we at the FMFFPATTHFPA would like to ask you to take similar action against an abusive, patriot-hating industry that has long imposed policies designed to intimidate, silence and persecute our people on every roadside and Interstate exit from the Florida Keys to Perdido Key — convenience stores.

The oppressive “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policies have been a widespread corporate tool for discriminating against Florida Men for dadgum decades. How many suffering and sunburned Florida Men have been banned from entering the air conditioned innards of a Circle K simply because they refused to hide their God-given Tweety Bird and Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoos?  

How many Florida Men have been denied their basic human right to purchase a pack of Winstons and a scratch-off ticket just because they were wearing nothing but a pair of board shorts with flame-spitting skulls emblazoned on the buttocks?

How many Florida Men had a brilliant idea for a sonnet or haiku worthy of display, but instead their art was banned from the public eye because the authoritarian policies at the Citgo station would not allow the poet to access its bathroom barefooted?   

Governor, these discriminatory policies have no place in a Sunshine State that protects freedom and liberty the way you have threatened to do.

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We don’t care that the 7-Eleven is a privately owned business. We don’t care that the Racetrack has policies in place to protect its employees. We don’t care that the Tom Thumb owners think they should be able to set health and safety standards at their own stores. 

The “No Shirt” policies are tyranny, plain and simple! And they are no different from the corporate COVID policies you have promised to fight against.

It’s all just private businesses picking and choosing their own rules, regulations and mandates in order to perpetuate decades of discrimination against Florida Men like us!

Now, we are aware that you have publicly celebrated organizations such as Buc-ee’s during your time in office. And many of our members also appreciate such establishments for their hand-crafted fudge, endless flavors of Mountain Dew and discount cigarette prices. But just because they sell t-shirts with an adorable beaver on them doesn’t mean we should be forced to hide our bodies beneath fabric just to enjoy basic human rights and oversized pulled pork sandwiches like everyone else. 

Who the heck are we? Florida or the Taliban?!     

So governor, please attack these perpetrators of “No Shirt” policies with the same vigor and viciousness that you are attacking private sector businesses for their own COVID health, safety and employee policies. Shirtless and shoeless Florida Men are counting on you to fight for our fundamental rights to do whatever the heck we want on someone else’s private property.   

We at the Florida Men’s Freedom, Firearms, Profanity, Alcohol, Tobacco, Tattoos, Hygiene and Fertility Preservation Association thank you in advance and pledge our continued support in your recently announced campaign for reelection.   

Just remember: The sign might say “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” But to a Florida Man, that sign means “No Justice.”